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I guess it all started because I’m both curious and suspicious by nature.
Looking back, it seems a bit ironic to say this, given everything that I failed to see growing up, but I don’t know how much of that is my fault. You’re supposed to be able to trust and believe your parents, right? And if they deceive you, that doesn’t make you an idiot, right?
I pretended to be a smart and cynical adult back then, but if anything, these events made me feel like I was just a little girl playing Veronica Mars.
So, I guess for this to make sense, I have to tell you about my dreams.
* * *
It’s dark, and I’m in the forest. I’m afraid, but not panicked, not yet. The air is cold and crisp, and dry leaves swirl around my bare feet. Maybe I came out here for a walk. Then again perhaps I came out here because I knew that this would happen to me.
Mixed with my apprehension is an expectation. It’s not entirely certain, but I know, somewhere out here, is what I want. What I need. I’m also confident that whatever it is, it’s not safe for me to seek it. I’m sweating now, and I catch my own scent. It’s a potent mix of fear and arousal. I know that whatever else is out there, it smells the same thing, and it likes it. I pick up my pace, deciding that it isn’t worth the risk to be out here.
I hear something in the distance. In the books, it would be described as a howl, but this isn’t that at all. The cry is filled with a devouring hunger and lust, but it sounds nothing like a sound that either wolf or man could make. I know they’re far away, but they seem so close. They want me to know that they know that I’m here and that I belong to them. I start to run, blindly at first, but then in the direction that I think will take me home. I know where I am now, it’s a park just outside of town. I’m angry at myself for coming out here this late at night.
It roars again, and I realize with a sick mix of desire and terror that it isn’t an It at all. It’s a He. It’s the most masculine sound I’ve ever heard, and even as my pace increases to an all-out run, my body responds to it. Part of me, a crazy, self-destructive part, wants to just stop and wait for him. He’s what I need, after all.
I run and run, for seconds, then minutes. Finally, I have to stop, breathing hard. My lungs are on fire, I’m not in good shape. But I’m close to the tree line now, and I know that there’s just a vast field and then the parking lot. I don’t remember driving here, but that must be where I parked. I haven’t heard that awful, magnificent roar again, so I must have lost him.
I hear a low, deep huffing, just on the other side of some brush. It’s him, and he’s testing the air. He must be huge to make such noise with just a sniff. I bite my lip, and it’s not all in terror. I smell him then, and his musk is almost overpowering. He’s primal and male and far more mature than any boy or girl I’ve ever fumbled around with. He wants me, and he will have me, and that’s all there is to it.
He growls, and I hear the snap of brush and twigs as he charges through the thicket like it isn’t even there. I lose the last of my courage. I sprint like a deer, a terrified little prey animal separated from my herd. I know I’m not that, though, not really. I just act like that, so I can be more attractive. For him. I feel a great weight impact me from behind, knocking the wind out of me and taking me to the ground. A single huge clawed hand on my back is enough to pin me there, helpless.
How did I ever think I could escape this kind of power. I feel something dripping on my lower calf, and I know that he’s so hard for me that he’s aching. His paw releases me, and I lift myself up on my elbows and knees, the oldest position of submission. I lift my skirt up, and I’m not wearing anything under it. Jaws close on my neck, and I arch my back so my lover can finally take me, impale me, make me his. I’m ready to die as long as he fucks me first. I scream as he enters me.
* * *
That’s when I wake up, covered in sweat, and turned on so severely that it takes me hours to calm down again and go to sleep. Even as I drift off, I yearn to hear that roar in the distance.
* * *
My earliest memories of my mother being pregnant with my baby brother Chris. I must have been around three, and they aren’t substantial memories at all. Just vague impressions of her taking care of me, and maybe being tired. Our father had left us, and I have no memory of him at all. Not even a sensation or a single memento or a name. Maybe that should have bothered me, but it didn’t.
I know that we’d moved into the city to be closer to her only remaining family, her brother Edward. He helped out whenever and however he could. He never lived with us, but he was close enough to walk to, and he babysat my little brother and me. I know he’s also given us canlı bahis a lot of money, too, because there’s no way Mom could afford a place like this on a part-time salary. Maybe, more importantly, he spent time with all of, doing the things that our father should have been doing. He took Chris and me fishing and hiking, read us stories when we were little, and attended every school play and game we were in. He was, in hindsight, pretty amazing. He set a high standard for what I expected from men.
Still, it wasn’t like Mom was a freeloader. Edward owned and operated a lot of local businesses, and she’d gone to school for accounting and finance, so she handled most of his books.
I was lucky. We all were, really. Mom, Chris, and I all lived in an old yellow two-story in a beautiful residential neighborhood that wasn’t rich, but it on the upper side of middle class. I had my own room, went to a good school, and there were parks and stores that I could walk to, although Mom and Edward worried about me if I was out too late, even though I’d turned eighteen two months ago. It was still the city, I guess.
Edward lived in a more modern apartment in a renovated brownstone a few miles away. It was like a second home for all of us, and we all had keys there. I asked Mom once why we didn’t all just live together, but she just said that it wouldn’t work out. I knew that she wasn’t telling me something, but I didn’t dig. Maybe I should have.
Like I said, it all started with a misunderstanding. It was the fall of my senior year and about an hour after I’d driven home with Chris, who was at the table scarfing down an enormous sandwich while working on his homework. I still saw him as something of a kid then, even though he was sixteen and a sophomore in high school. He was taller than me by then, but still kind of innocent and sweet. He never had much of a rebellious streak in him, although he could be stubborn. He shared my dark brown hair, but he kept it short. His eyes were a lighter hazel than mine, but despite working out, he had a lanky build that I was sure he would grow into eventually.
Mom was in the kitchen, talking on the phone with someone who owed Edward money while simultaneously cooking. She was really my role model, although I would have had trouble saying it then. Mom wore jeans and a tight tee-shirt, which was basically her standard outfit. She disliked skirts and dresses, except for sundresses in the summer. She was about my height but kept her hair short where mine ran down to the middle of my back. She was practical in everything, almost to a fault, and it was rare to see her get emotional. She was also gorgeous, and I knew that men loved to look at her, and she got hit on a lot. If they were polite, she was flattered, but a lot of the time, they weren’t. She could be tough, though, and she tried to teach me to be the same.
I didn’t have nearly the same “problems” that she did, though. She was athletically curvaceous and mature and moved with confidence. Despite people always telling me that I looked like her, I felt scrawny. I didn’t want to be objectified, but I knew that I was too thin for most of the boys in my class, especially the ones I was attracted to. I had dated a little, made out a few times, and touched a guys dick exactly one time. He came super quick and wasn’t interested in getting me off, so that was our last date.
Come to think of it, I guess you could say that that kind of romantic failure ran in the family. Mom never dated. She got out with friends and ate dinner with Edward at least once a week, but never saw anyone else. Edward always seemed to be too busy to date, even though you’d think his travel and business connections would present a lot of opportunities to do so. Chris was shy, or he’d have girls all over him. I was glad for his reticence because it was easy for me to see girls taking advantage of his natural sweetness and loyal nature.
“Ok,” I said, picking up my oh-so-fashionable messenger bag and heading for the door, “I’m going out.”
Mom turned, smiled, and said what she always did.
“Be careful and be tough. Oh, and try not to get back too late. You know how I worry.”
‘Be careful and be tough’ was her motto for life, I think.
I left, closing the door carefully behind me and took in the scents of fall. I know its a cliche to love autumn, but I can’t help it. The tannins of the leaves have a rich smell that mixed with the chill in the air to create something special. I smiled and headed down the walk.
It was Friday, and on nights like this, I met my friends down at the coffee shop and book store about a mile away. It stayed open super late to cater to the college crowd, and we talked about everything while we listened to music or awful open-mic poetry. We were all pretty much nerds. I spotted my friends as soon as I opened the door and smelled the mix of tea and incense that always filled the air there.
“Hey, Leta,” Ann said, waving me over. She was my bahis siteleri best friend, a pretty little redhead who was smart as a whip and twice as driven. She had her hair up in a bun and wore a simple skirt and blouse that, when combined with her glasses, made her look like a young version of the sexy librarian stereotype.
Speaking of sexy, I sat down next too May. She was quiet, generally reserved, and extremely thoughtful. She also had blonde curly and with an hourglass figure which rivaled my mother. She wore a tight red sweater and tighter jeans. Even at eighteen, she got hit on constantly. I always envied and felt bad for her. May always seemed to be getting the wrong kind of attention, and the guys she liked misjudged her as unintelligent or out of their league. She was smiling tonight, though, which was infectious.
“What are you happy about?” I asked May as I sat down and sipped the hot spiced cider that Ann had so thoughtfully ordered for me.
“I got a job! And it pays really well!”
“Yes!” I said, maybe a little too loudly. Ann and I didn’t have any financial troubles, not really. We both were going to end up with student debt from college probably, but nothing more than that. May lived at home with her borderline alcoholic/addict parents and had nothing to her name. She had been trying to find a job so that she could move out as soon as possible. If we could figure it out, we planned on living together, given that we were all looking at staying in the city for college for a variety of reasons.
“Supposedly, her boss is hot, too,” Ann said with a smirk that I didn’t quite understand.
“Shut up, it’s not like that, we’re not a thing,” May said, giggling.
“Yeah, but do you want to be a thing?” I said, joining in. For whatever reason, both Ann and May found that incredibly funny.
May shook her head, and I dropped it. We spent a great, really geeky evening talking about politics and then which Star Trek was the best. Yeah, I know. Normally we stayed out until about eleven, but tonight Ann was tired, and May had something she had to do, so we separated at about ten. Ann left first, then May hugged me and left. I was just getting my things together when I saw a scarf hanging on the back of May’s chair.
“She’d forget her head if it weren’t attached to her,” I said, remembering all the times we’d spent trying to find something that she’d lost or forgotten. I picked up the scarf and ran out the door, heading in the direction that she was going.
May walked quickly down to the closest bus stop, which was odd because she only lived a few blocks away, much closer than I did. When a car pulled up to the stop, I thought she might have had a date. It was a black BMW coupe, which was impressive, but also familiar. Still, there were a lot of similar cars in the city. I was about to call May’s name to get her attention when I heard my uncle’s voice greeting her.
There was no doubt it was Edward’s car. May smiled and got in quickly, like an old friend. Or a lover. I stopped, no longer wanting to return my friend’s scarf. I felt a low wave of disgust in my gut.
Well, I told myself, May was very hot and smart, and my uncle, well, was, um…how should I put it? He was fucking sexy. Every one of my friends said so, and I would have had to have been blind not to notice. Unlike my mother, he tended to dress in suits or nice dress shirts. If he wore jeans, then they were neatly pressed, and he kept his hair medium length. He looked a lot like Chris but grown into confident manhood. He obviously worked out, and his clothes were well-tailored so you could see the way his muscles moved even when he was completely dressed.
I may have had a mild crush on him.
For just a moment, I hated May. I almost threw her scarf into the street, which would have been both petty and awful. It was a spike of jealousy that I didn’t fully understand or want.
So my crush may have been a little more than just mild.
In any case, it bothered me. Were they dating? It certainly wasn’t illegal. He was more than twice May’s age, but it wasn’t like they were married. They did both know each other, through my long friendship with May. I briefly considered whether or not she was working for Edward, but I couldn’t think of a single business that he owned that was open this late. I thought about calling her, but I didn’t want to put her on the spot. What if he was paying her for sex, and that was how she was making the money that she needed? As much as all of this bothered me, I saw the potential fallout could be much worse than my silly hurt feelings.
I did the adult thing and went home, trying to put it from my mind. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and my thoughts just got more and more intense as I walked. It was bad enough that my uncle was involved, but I was also attracted to May. I’m into boys and girls, and I’d had kind of a thing for her for years. To my knowledge, she was only into guys, bahis şirketleri so I never acted on it or anything, but my mind kept forming images of what they’d look like together. I saw him on top of her, pushing her down, fucking her so hard that her full curves shook and quivered. The images were so intense it was like I was seeing it unfold in front of me.
And it made me fucking crazy inside.
At my core, I saw myself as very practical, like my mother. Sure, I had the same kinds of intense adolescent emotional outbursts that we all did, but I got over them quickly. This was a different kind of possessive desire that I wasn’t at all comfortable with. I knew I had to talk about this with someone, but who? And how?
I unlocked the door and closed it behind me. Chris was gone, probably asleep already. The kitchen light was on low, and Mom was working on her laptop. This was when she usually did her accounting and financial work, so that didn’t surprise me.
“Hey hon,” she said without looking up, her typing never slowing down, “how was everyone?”
“Um,” I said, “good. May got a job.”
“Great. I knew that she was looking for something. Does it pay well?”
“Yeah, I think so. We really didn’t talk about it much.”
I stood there for a moment, watching my Mom work. She moused over some cells and copied and pasted them, then hit some keys to fire off a macro that she wrote. Calculations were done, and charts appeared on her screen. She started to type again.
“Mom, about May…”
“Yeah? Is everything ok for her at home?”
I’d been friends with May and Ann since were all in elementary school together. Mom knew them almost as well as I did, and was acquainted with their parents too.
“I think it’s about the same. But, um, could she have gotten a job with Uncle Edward?”
Mom didn’t stop typing or look up, but I could hear the confusion in her answer.
“I don’t think so. He would have told me. Why?”
I sighed and considered whether or not to answer. In the end, I trusted Mom and opened my big, stupid mouth.
“Well, I saw him pick her up outside the coffee shop. She didn’t mention anything about him, which was why I thought it was weird.”
I didn’t mention the obvious implication. Mom stopped typing, and I saw her shoulders tense. If I hadn’t known her my whole life, I might have missed the little quiver in her voice.
“I…I’m not sure why they would be together like that, honey.”
“I’ll ask her when I get a chance. There’s probably a normal explanation for it.”
Well I guess fucking is pretty normal.
“Ok,” Mom said, still not turning around or resuming typing, “goodnight.”
I went upstairs, as puzzled by her reaction as by my own. If I had known how similar we truly were, maybe I could have saved us all some time and trouble.
Saturday morning found me feeling cranky and sore. I had the dream again, but this time it went a little farther. I had felt the beast fucking me, riding me practically into the earth. After I woke, I was more frustrated than I could ever remember being. I got up, stretched, and took a hot shower, which relieved the soreness at least.
I dressed and went downstairs, wondering how I should broach this subject with May. Mom had turned and was holding coffee out for me when I suddenly felt like someone had driven a nail into my abdomen.
“Oh, fuck,” I said, softly, as I bent over involuntarily. I never really swore that much, but Mom didn’t care if I did.
“Are you all right?” Chris had gotten up and walked over to me, really worried, but Mom just looked at me with sympathy. She knew already.
“Cramps?” She asked.
“Yeah. Worse this time. More sudden too.”
“Oh,” Chris said with the look of a boy who really had no idea what to say but still wanted to help.
“Can you get me some Midol, Chris? I think it’s in the medicine cabinet.”
He nodded and went to find it. He grew up with two women in the house, so he lacked the irrational aversion to “women’s problems” that some men had.
“I think we should go to the doctor and maybe get you something a little stronger than that,” Mom said quietly.
“You have the same kind of cramps, though, and they won’t give you anything for it.”
“I know, Leta, but mine were terrible for a while when I was about your age. And yours keep getting worse. Let me get you a heating pad, and you can relax.”
“Later,” I said, determined to not let this stop my plans to get at the truth, “I have to uh, meet Ann at the library for a project.”
It was a dumb lie, but I already felt bad for telling Mom about May last night. I didn’t want to say to her that I was going to corner one of my best friends and interrogate her about her possible sex life with my uncle.
“All right,” Mom said, but the concern never left her face, “sometimes being active help, but if you start feeling really bad, I want you to come right home, okay? And I know you’re going to want to walk, but call your uncle or me if you need a ride.”
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