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Code Blue..Chapter three….Sorry it’s taken me so long to get this one done, I’ve had the flu for the past few days so send some healthy vibes my way please! Thanks for such a positive response to this story. Someone asked me in an email if I was a police or fireman I am neither actually. That’s way too heroic for me. I’m just an ordinary guy working with sick people, that’s it.
After my very long shift with dick head Trip, I wanted to go see Ryan but I was worried about his reaction plus saying or doing something else that would freak him out. I decided on going home to take a shower and hopefully get some sleep then see him when I was rested and thinking clearly. Normally riding my bike lifted my spirits but as I rode home it did little to lighten my mood. I kept playing the scene of Ryan launching himself off the stool to get away from me over and over, torturing myself.
As a teenager I knew I was a little different from most of my friends and sure I had had crushes before but I had never allowed anything to happen.
In spite of my friends telling me that I was way too softly spoken to become a police officer I did it anyway. I got to laugh at most of them at my graduation ceremony and I have to admit that even I was surprised that I had actually passed all of my training.
I had worked in a few other precincts before but I never really felt connected to any of them. My partners had never taken the time to show me the ropes and I was treated like a nuisance. Ryan was the first experienced officer that took me under his wing and made sure that I was doing ok and I wasn’t even his partner. That alone showed me what kind of man he was.
So naturally I had fallen hard. For the first time I had allowed my guard to come down and the guy that I had fallen for has not only lost his partner but the man he loved. That was just my kind of luck! Ryan was a train wreck at the moment and in spite of the chance that I was going to get badly hurt I just couldn’t leave him when he needed someone the most.
I arrived home and dragged myself inside. I thought about a shower but I was just too tired to care. I took the time to slip off my shoes and then collapsed into bed. I was asleep in minutes.
My head was fuzzy and I assumed it was from either my fever or the medication they were giving me, either way it felt great. I didn’t even know what day it was but some of the guys had stopped by to see how I was doing. The one person I was hoping to visit hadn’t yet but there was always hope. This had never happened to me before, having feelings for two men at once. I loved Mark more than Ian but maybe that was because I had known Mark for so long? If I gave Ian a chance maybe I would love him just as much.
I knew now how husbands and wives felt when one passed away. You want to move on but you feel like you are betraying the others memory. I didn’t always want to be alone but I was scared of hurting like this again.
It was true that Mark had told me of course that he loved his wife but the heart wants what it wants. There was never any awkwardness or hard feelings between us after our “little chat” which only made me love him more. I didn’t want any guarantees that gaziantep escort I wouldn’t loose Ian too but I wasn’t sure that I would emotionally survive another hit.
He still hadn’t stopped by and I was unsure of what that meant so I spent my time trying to figure out what it meant and driving myself crazy. I stared out the window. It had begun to rain and the drops hit the window and broke apart. I realized that that was like my life right now. Things were fine until you hit a window and broke into pieces. Why did everything have to be so complicated! I let myself drift off just letting myself forget for a while.
I looked over at Mark and raised my eyebrows in a question. Should we go or wait? He shrugged so I took the lead and we moved into the alley. It was quiet. Too quiet. Every nerve in my body was on hyper alert. We moved in single file clearing the way with each tentative step. I had told dispatch to call for lights and sirens off to the responding units. We didn’t want this guy knowing we had help coming. Thinking it was just us and him would make him cocky and hopefully he would show his hand and make a mistake.
Like usual the crims always had superior firepower, which automatically put us at a disadvantage.
This particular guy had a long history of violence and seemed to enjoy inflicting pain on anyone he could get his hands on.
We scanned the darkness all the while moving between the trash cans being careful not to give our position away. There was a soft call on my radio. “The cavalry is here boys. Where are you?” It was one of the responding units. This guy was toast now. He was officially out numbered. “Go left of our car. We’re about half way down the alley. He’s in here somewhere so be careful you guys.”
As lead officer I sent the two men down ahead of us and then onto an adjacent lane way while Mark and I took the alley. I heard another vehicle arrive. “Hey where is everyone?” It was Ian and his partner. I sent a whispered reply. “Go straight ahead then down the alley. We’re about half way. Keep it quiet.”
There was a small movement over to our right, near one of the huge dumpsters. I signaled for Mark to come with me and sent Ian and Trip to cover us from the side.
I could feel the adrenaline racing through my veins and the tension was palpable. Mark and I moved slowly forward with Ian and Trip watching our backs. There was a loud rustle then an enormous rat ran between us and disappeared into the darkness. We all froze for a second then laughed; letting our guard down for just a minute. A minute is all it took. Trip was the first to go down under gunfire and we all hit the deck.
“There’s more than one!” I screamed. “Watch the fire escape!” I tried to reach Trip but I couldn’t without getting hit. He lay there gasping for air, blood pooling around his lips and trickling down his chin. “Trip it’s ok. I’ll get you! Stay there!”
Mark yelled into his radio. “Dispatch! We need assistance immediately. We are under heavy fire with one officer down! Send everything you have!” The night exploded with gunfire. I heard screaming from the other lane way. God they were being hit there too! The whole thing seemed to be an ambush.
No one could move. We were pinned down. I signaled to Ian to stay put. I looked at his face. It was white with shock and disbelief. I knew he was going to run. “No Ian! Don’t do it. Stay there!” I fired off a couple of shots and crawled over to his side. I wrapped my arms around him. He was shivering violently. “Listen to me. It’s going to be ok.” He struggled against me. I knew he was terrified.
I had to let him go to protect us and the second I did he was off running. I heard Mark yell and send off cover fire. I saw Ian’s body convulse as he was hit in the back. Blood sprayed out and his knees buckled. It was like in the movies. Everything slowed down and the more I tried to reach Ian the further away he got.
I felt something hit me and my knee was on fire.
Ian was writhing on the ground. Mark yelled at me to be still but I didn’t want to leave Ian out there. I half crawled to where he was laying not paying any attention to the bullets flying over my head. At least three other units had arrived by now so it was an all out war. I dragged Ian over to a wall to give us some cover.
“Ian, it’s ok. Just hang on. It’s going to be ok.” I knew he didn’t believe me. He was a rookie, not stupid.
He had been hit at least three times and I couldn’t slow the bleeding down. I felt a sharp pain in my side. I had been hit again.
Mark was doing his best to cover us but it was futile. The other units had taken shelter behind their squad cars and were only concerned with getting us out. I heard Mark yell and clutch his stomach. Oh God! Now I was torn between saving Ian or Mark. Ian became heavy in my arms. I drew his face up to mine. “Don’t you die on me you son-of-a-bitch. You hold on dammit!” A small smile curled Ian’s lips. Then nothing.
“No! Ian stay with me buddy. Come on!”
All of a sudden things got very quiet. Everything just stopped. I watched as feet approached me. I heard yelling and the sound of running. It was over. I felt the muzzle of a gun being pressed to my head. I looked up. “Just do it! Get it over with.” I challenged. He knelt and looked at me. “Death is too good for you pig. Live with this.” He disappeared into the alley. I laid my head down on the hard ground.
I felt hands grabbing me. “We’ve got you now officer. You’re ok.” I looked at my fellow work mates. Didn’t they understand? Nothing would ever be ok again.
I woke with a start, tears streaming down my face and Ian sitting beside me holding my hand. His eyes were also full of tears. He looked down and quickly brushed them away. “I….I didn’t want to wake you. I thought it was best to just wait it out.” He squeezed my hand. I looked at our fingers joined together on the white hospital sheet. They looked right together. They had been made to compliment the other. That’s what sacred me so.
That fear turned me into a coward. Someone who just wanted not to hurt anymore. A man that I was not proud of but out of a pure instinct to just “get by” was someone I understood. I had to hurt him badly enough so he would stay away. The knowledge of that hurt worse than any bullet.
“Ian…” I began. “I know you have feelings for me but….I don’t have those same feelings for you. I don’t love you Ian. I don’t want to learn to love you and I don’t want you to wait for me. What I want is for you to just leave me alone.” I watched as the carnage of those words devastated his face. He withdrew his hand from mine as though he had been bitten.
“Ryan. Why are you doing this? I know you’re lying to me. I know you’re hurting and you’re scared but don’t push me away, please.” He stood and began to pace the small room. But he was still here. I needed to hurt him more.
“Ian.” I ground out between gritted teeth. “You need to understand. I want you to leave. Leave here and leave me alone. I’m not asking, I’m telling. Ok? Just go.”
He turned to look at me. His lower lip trembling, trying so hard not to cry. God. Give me the strength to see this through. His mouth opened to say something then closed again. His hands curled into fists. I hoped he would hit me just to make me feel better.
He lent in close to my face. “Ok I’ll go. But I want you to know what you’re missing out on. I never knew you were such a coward Ryan.” He kissed me then. Hard and with so much passion it took my breath away. Before I could stop myself I lent into the kiss and groaned. Then there was an empty space where Ian had been. I watched him walk away.
I took a deep shaky breath and closed my eyes. Well I had gotten what I wanted. So how come I felt like such an asshole? I pounded my fist on the bed. Now I just wanted to beg Ian to forgive me but I knew I wouldn’t. Through divine intervention a nurse chose that moment to come in and top me up with the good stuff. Just for a while I let myself forget.
I left Ryan’s room and I had no idea where I was going. I was so pissed with him but I knew why he had just hurt me. He didn’t want to loose me too so he pushed me away before I left. So now what was I going to do? I really wanted to give him the peace that he so desperately wanted but I loved him too much to just give up so easily. Maybe if I transferred out but still near by and gave him some space he would realize that we could have something wonderful together?
I thought about just going out and getting totally shit-faced but I didn’t like to drink. I sat on my bike for a few minutes to clear my head. My uncle had a cabin way out in the middle of nowhere that I hadn’t been to in a long time. Now may be the perfect time to just get away. I think I still had his number some where at home. He had always told me that I could use it whenever I wanted. I smiled then for the first time in days. It wasn’t what Ryan wanted, time to think about us but he didn’t know how stubborn I could be either.
I felt better now that I had some kind of a plan. It gave me some comfort to know that unless I said so, things with Ryan weren’t over, not yet.
I rode home enjoying the sun on my back. I had some leave owing to me so I stopped in at work on the way home and cleared it with the duty officer. I had two weeks to just get away and hope and pray that Ryan would come to his senses. I discarded the idea of transferring. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. If he didn’t want to admit his feelings for me that was fine but I wasn’t going to make it easy. No way.
I still had most of the day left so I was going to go home, call my uncle and get out of here. The cabin was only about three hours away and I had given work the details of where I would be so Ryan could find me if he really wanted too.
Ok yes I know. Another short one..Sorry!
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