The Road to Anywhere

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I had always wanted to just say, “Fuck it!”; to pack a small bag, leave, and walk aimlessly down the side of the road in the hot sun, its powerful rays beating mercilessly against my back, or alternatively in the torrential, pouring rain in the darkest depth of night, with not a care in the world or fear in my heart. I was, however, always scared, or always in some sort of relationship, and really, come on! I mean, who wants to date a hobo chick?I could literally feel the invisible shackles of life chaining me and holding me back from any sort of adventure that could possibly happen. My mother laughed when I told her that I felt drained. “Alice,” she said, “You truly are a silly girl. You haven’t had to work a day in your short life. There is no reason you should feel ‘drained.'”“That really isn’t the point, mother. It is really not.” Or maybe it is. I felt like some sort of fluffy house cat when I would rather have felt like a tiger; a fierce, uncontrolled and completely unruly tiger!The more I thought about it, the more I knew that fear was my mistress. It caged me and left me wondering how I could ever just leave when half the time even just going into a supermarket was enough to send me reeling in panic. The sweat would bead and pour from my forehead, and my hands would shake and feel damp and clammy. My heart would start pounding loudly in my chest, like I had just consumed a bucketful of MSG. Sometimes it was so loud I wondered if people could hear it and actually knew just how truly terrified I was.As usual I was in a relationship. Well, I say one; what I actually mean is two. Two relationships with two different people, though, I wasn’t sure how that happened. How could someone as fucking shy as me end up in a constant, pouring, never-ending stream of relationships?My friends thought I was crazy when I complained. They repeatedly said, “You have hot and cold pussy on tap, and never ending dick on dial. What is so bad about that?” They just shook their heads, and looked at me as if I was insane. And maybe, just maybe, I was.As usual, these relationships felt amazing at first, They have the power to get you so high that you feel like your head is nothing but a happy little piñata, full of confetti and gluten-free candy, before suddenly bringing you crashing back down to the ground and leaving you feeling flat and dissatisfied. It was a cycle I constantly repeated and would probably, I realized, always repeat.As it so happens, I was finally given the ultimate reason to walk out of the house: anger. And, you know, the great thing about feeling angry is that it completely trumps fear.I woke up in a slightly fussy, fuzzy, agitated state as the sun jarred through my window, burning my eyes, much like I imagine razor blades to my brain would feel. Sleepily, I rolled out of bed and started the search for my phone.Glancing at it, I saw çankaya escort the notification of three new messages. I dialled the number and heard that annoying, robot-like voice scream at me as I waited for the first message.”Hey baby, it’s Angie. Call me back.”The second message, “Hey. Why the fuck are you still asleep? Call me back.”And finally the third, “I’m just going to go fuck someone else now, because apparently you don’t want to give me attention. So, fuck you!”I felt my nerves begin to twitch with raw anger. I was so tired at just jumping, tongue out, fingers ready on the spur of the moment. God, doesn’t everyone just think about themselves these days? ‘Actually, that isn’t quite true,’ I suddenly thought. I had plenty of people who would have jumped to be here with me in an instant and never ask much of me in return. I usually just liked them needy, yet right at that moment it wasn’t what I needed.The phone rang again and I thought, ‘Really I just shouldn’t answer this. I should go have a couple of beers, maybe a margarita or two, sit on my porch and wait for all this to just blow over.’ Then my thoughts rained down on me like the ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ and I reminded myself that it never really does blow over.I sat down on the edge of my bed and began to think, as the phone continued to ring. Finally, sick of the incessant ringing, I picked up.”What?” I screamed down the line.”God, I can see you’re in a mood, Alice,” she said, in a condescending tone.I sighed, and then replied.”Yes. I wasn’t really pleased to wake up from my shitty sleep, to find a cunty message on my phone.”“You are such a selfish bitch. All I do is think of you and fuck you, I deserve some motherfucking respect.”I really wasn’t surprised at her sharp reply. I had expected it, and a part of me wanted it.“It really is all about you, Alice. I work non-stop, whilst you sit on your ass all day, watching movies and probably fucking every slut that comes your way, and yet you find the nerve to bitch at me?””Listen here, cunt. You aren’t paying my bills, so why do you care that I don’t work? In fact, it really is none of your fucking business. So until you get down on one knee, with a diamond, and ask me to be with you forever, which let’s be honest we both know won’t happen any time this century, you can just shut the fuck up about that.”Now, normally, I would probably have reacted differently to this. I would probably have begged her, and written her a poem, but I had gotten myself so ‘hopped-up’ on breakup movies, and countless breakup songs, that I was feeling pretty strong and confident,. ‘Thank you Lesley Gore and Reba,’ I thought to myself.”You aren’t ever going to breakup with your ‘sugar daddy’. We both know that. When we met you said you would leave him, and where are you now?”She really did have at least half a point rus escort with that, but to be fair I had said that if she decided she wanted forever, or even to give forever a try, then I would gladly pack my suitcase and go. I wasn’t lying, I would have done it. I’ll admit that I was scared of the ‘what ifs?’ involved but it wouldn’t have stopped me. I was far too romantic to let anything stop me from what I considered to be true love. Sure, I was angry at that moment; more than angry. Sure, I had in the last couple of months convinced myself that being single was the best way to go, and was now accepting any fight and challenge he or she was giving me. I didn’t want to, but I felt the strong urge to burn the bridges because, if a bridge remained, I would stay; I would forever stay.After a long pause, with several ‘hmms’ and ‘wells’ I was getting from her, I finally replied. “You forgot two birthdays, and never really seem to care how I feel””Again, you, you, you, you! It is always you!”Maybe that was the problem. I wanted someone who made it about me at least half of the time. It was normal, and with any slight complaint I made, she always turned it around and made it sound like I was some needy, selfish drama queen.I took a deep breath. Here goes, I said to myself. “Do me a favour and go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself nice and hard.” I hung up sharpish and heard the click before she could reply.This was it, I thought. This was the day; the day I had been waiting for all my life. This was the day I would finally become ‘queen of the road’. I proceeded to quickly write a brief, and to the point, letter to Clint, aka my ‘Sugar Daddy’.”Dear Clint,It’s been a great run. Thanks for letting me do nothing for next to nothing. You have been great but you deserve better.I don’t really know if I’ll be back, probably not. Either way, good luck with whatever.Love?Alice xoxo”I hurriedly packed a suitcase, aimlessly tossing whatever I thought I might need, but keeping it simple, and got dressed into some torn up old blue jeans and my favourite hoodie. It was April and the weather was warm, but for some reason I still wanted to feel the comfort of my hoodie, and the ability to hide my face.I felt angry, I felt hurt, yet I felt freer than I had in so long. The doors and the possibilities were now endless. Anything could happen but, most importantly, life could finally happen.—I walked for days, I walked through the nights, I walked as the coyotes howled in the distance and the moon shone before me. Some days I thought about everything, and other times there was nothing at all but a low hum in my head.I didn’t want to hitch-hike, I needed the road to touch my feet with every step, I needed my slow motion, ‘Forrest Gump’ moment. Hitch-hiking felt like it would be cheating, but then one day it began to rain. The thunder eryaman escort was loud as I continued down the road. The rain was cold against my face but it felt refreshing against my skinI wasn’t paying much attention beyond the droplets as they passed my eyes, so when I suddenly heard someone say, “Hey, do you need a lift?” I was surprised. I looked over and saw a red car with the window rolled down. “Sweetie, it’s awfully cold out and you really shouldn’t be out here walking in the rain like this. You could get sick.”I thought about just being rude and walking on as I usually did when people offered, but from what I could see she had a kindly face. “It’s okay. I like the rain, but thank you.”I had started to walk again, when she pulled up closer and opened the car door, “Come on, I really am not taking no for an answer. Just get in and let me take you wherever you are going.”I wasn’t sure why maybe the idea of turning down a lift from someone who seemed so nice seemed a bit cruel to me and so, slightly reluctantly, I got in and turned to her as I sat down in the plush seat. The car still had that ‘new car smell’ that seemed toxic, but I liked it.I took her face in for a moment. She was older, although I couldn’t tell how much older, with dark hair and big, soulful brown eyes.”So, where to?” she asked in a sweet voice.”I’m not exactly going to any particular destination, so anywhere will do.”As she began to drive, I watched and saw that her eyes mostly focused on the road and the rain that beat down hard across the windshield.”What’s your name?” she asked.”It’s Alice.”I kept my eyes on the road ahead. Part of me wanted to look over at her again, but a part of me had this shy, and completely insecure feeling in my heart all of a sudden. ‘Fuck, I shouldn’t have accepted the ride. Now I won’t have walked the whole way and it’s an important part of my journey. Dammit!’After a moment she said, “Mine is Elaine. I just live up the road, so if you aren’t going anywhere, we could go back to my place and you could wait for the storm to blow over.”I felt myself tense up. ‘What if she just wants to take me back to her place and murder me, or have sex with me?’, I thought. What if she has some weird, pervy old husband who has her pick up young, helpless bitches on the road for him? What if?’ I thought for a moment before shaking my head and realizing that this woman was probably just what she appeared to be; kind and real, and for some reason I decided that I liked her already.”I guess that would be okay, if it’s not any trouble to you.”She smiled at me. “Of course it’s not any trouble. Besides, I’d love the company.”We drove on for a few minutes more, with the only sound being the car engine and the rain as it dashed down. My eyes stayed focused on the windshield and on the almost creepy crucifix that I had just noticed dangling from the rear-view mirror, before she turned and pulled up at a large white house; at least, it looked white. It was hard to see in that much rain.Getting out, I followed her, both of us running to the door. She opened it, revealing a large high-ceiling living room. ‘Nice,’ I thought.

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